


Macbeth, but SO much worse

by orphan_account



Category: Macbeth - Shakespeare
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, Gen, I am the gay agenda and everybody is gay for macbeth, Rewrite, anything youd see in the play youll see here but WORSE, just a big castle of disaster gays, mature rating for language, oh yeah thats why half the fucks are censored, so this is pure crack, which i partially censored out anyway due to crushing christian guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25102579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Me and my friend were talking and I came up with the idea to rewrite Macbeth using modern language, but instead of rewriting it like no fear Shakespeare, I would rewrite it as irreverently as possible. This fic is exactly as cursed as it sounds.
Relationships: Macbeth/Banquo, Macbeth/Lady Macbeth, Macduff/Lady Macduff, look idk what all the relationships tags are this is basically an rewrite but worse, macbeth & banquo
Comments: 22
Kudos: 23





	1. Act 1, Scene 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to hell.

Scene 1: A bigass field. It’s about to start raining, thunder and lighting flash. 

Enter three  witches.

Witch 1:  Bros, when am I gonna see y'all again? In storms, storms, or more storms?

Witch 2:  When whatever the fuck is going on in Scotland is over, ya know, once Scotland is either completely f*cked up, or they’ve conquered Norway. 

Witch 3:  [checks watch exaggeratedly] Whoa, look at the time!

Witch 1:  Where’s the place?

Witch 2:  Another field. Fields, fields, fields. 

Witch 3:  There we meet with Macbeth!

Witch 1:  omw! Brb graymalkin.

All:  Fair is foul and foul is fair, Fly, through foul and filthy air. 

[Witches vanish, this is exactly as melodramatic as it seems it would be.]


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ross reports to the king.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, feel free to point out grammar errors I made!

Scene 2: A camp near Forres.

  
There's a whole commotion inside the palace. Screaming, yelling, perhaps throwing chairs. Scottish royalty is not known for their ability to not throw chairs. Enter King Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox with Attendants, meeting a bleeding Soldier.

  
Duncan: Whoa, what's the bleeding man doing here? Can he tell us what the fuck is going on in the war? Since he’s bleeding so much, it seems like he would know what’s going on. Go on dude, give us the tea.

  
Malcolm: Yeah man, this is the sergeant, he fought well and bravely, as a soldier should, to keep me out of the hands of the enemy. -- ay dude, I love you bro, no homo. Now tell my king what’s up with that war.

  
Soldier: It was wack, dude. It was like… two swimmers… who hang onto each other… and then they both drown. Oh also, Macdonwald, that bastard brat boy was there. Stupid shit manlet, he just keeps getting worse, that ass I swear, he attracts the worst of all the worlds. Up from the west he took all that motherf*cking shit and just decided to run with it, becoming a fuckin traitor. But fortune, being the bastard she is, decided that she liked him, that rebel whore shit eating man. Macbeth was brave, he at least deserves that praise, decided not to let fortune get to him, and spit in her fucking face with his steel sword. He killed a whole lot of people, yo. The best soldier that we have, he carved a hole of bodies through where he went, until he finally found the rest of the enemy, and never bowed down. Props to him for deciding peace was overrated until he got the rest of us safe and sound. [Soldier is very animated here, using wide hand gestures, and at one point nearly knocks a vase off the king's shelf.] [King has a face that says “Well I guess this is happening.”]

  
Duncan: Oh good friend! You’re the best, thanks for the info! [Claps soldier on back, Soldier nearly falls over.]

  
Soldier: [Very animated despite the copious amounts of blood he is leaving on the floor.] Yeah man! The sun was against his reflection and it was so beautiful, it left ships wrecked and thunder burst in his wake, [It is clear that the soldier is very, very gay for Macbeth here.] From his very sword, it seemed as if comfort was flowing, and listen Duncan man, He was the very shape of justice, and he was armed with valor (and he was hot), as well as compelling the Irishmen to run away at the very sight of him. But the vicious, oh so awful, Norwegian king, seeing from a vantage point, sent more and more soldiers to wage war against the beautiful Macbeth.

  
Duncan: Wait, wait a sec. Didn’t this make Macbeth and Banquo turn tail and run? I mean, they’d have to be stupid not to.

  
Soldier: Yes, it distressed them slightly, but nothing is in the way of these two gorgeous men. As sparrows to an eagle, or as hares to a lion. They were in a most terrible condition, I must report, but in the face of all of this they only doubled their own strokes against the enemy! As cracked cannons, they only redoubled their own efforts, valiantly fighting and beating the awful Norwegians, They were covered in scars as if they were dying but nonetheless they prevailed. [Soldier almost falls over, and throws up right on King Duncan's shoes, getting very dizzy all of a sudden.] -- Oh shit, I’m bleeding. A lot. [Gestures vaguely in the direction of the medical bay] Can I...?

  
Duncan: Well, you really went off there. Yeah, you should probably go and get help. That’s a lot of blood, both your words and your wounds are honorable. [Exit Soldier, attended]  
Wait- who else is here?

  
Malcolm: Thane of Ross.

  
Lennox: Wow, look at his eyes. He’s just so eager to talk. So excited to say his words. Go on big man, talk about the weird things going on, go on, tell us, huh?

  
Enter Ross

  
Ross: God save the king!

  
Duncan: Where’ve you been, my boy?

  
Ross: I came from Fife, King man. There are Norwegian banners everywhere, and that makes me sad. [struggling to think of a better word] Very sad. The king of Norway himself was walking the streets along with the bastard shit traitor man, Macdonwald… [Cursing and muttering under his breath, you can vaguely hear the words “Macdonwald” and “Shit eating Bastard man”, but the rest is incomprehensible.] And! He began to fight us! Can you believe that? Of course you can, we’re in war. Luckily, Macbeth was there with us! [Ross is a little bit gay. Everybody’s a little bit gay for Macbeth when they see him fight, and this is supported by Shakespeare canon. Lady Macbeth is not, because she’s a big lesbian. This is also supported by Shakespeare canon. ] Macbeth fought bravely, as if he was the very husband of war, he fought Macdonwald, throwing truth in his face, and he fought him blow for blow, absolutely magnificent! His spirit matched none else on the battlefield, and he was the bravest man there! [Blushing slightly] Oh, Oh yeah. And. We won. So there’s that.

  
Duncan: [Oblivious to the big gay going on everywhere in his castle] Oh, That’s absolutely wonderful!

  
Ross: And that’s not all, the king of Norway, Sweno, is attempting to get our kingdom to sign a treaty! But don’t worry, despite the fact that we’ve been trying to end this war forever, we denied him his treaty, and another thing, we wouldn't even let him bury his men! At least, not until he gave us ten thousand dollars for our armies.

  
Duncan: Well, that Motherfucker Macdonwald won’t be fooling us anymore, and that ass faced traitor won’t be bothering us either. Go, Ross, and tell Macbeth that he’s dead and that he is now the Thane of Cawdor, because that much power given to one man has definitely never corrupted anybody at all.

  
Ross: Right-O, king boss man. I’m on it.

  
Duncan: Whatever Macbeth has lost, he has now won much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway my dad asked me what I was writing and I can't exactly show this to my good christian family so I told him I was writing another essay about Macbeth which is all well and good until I realize it means I have to actually write another essay about Macbeth.


	3. Act 1, Scene 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Macbeth gets a glimpse of his destiny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all y'all that have commented, it really makes my day!
> 
> ALSO I figured out how to do italics and stuff when I copy and paste so hopefully that makes things a bit clearer

_ Thunder. Enter the three Witches.  _

_ Witch 1:  _ Where’ve y’all been, my gals?

_ Witch 2:  _ Killing swine.

_ Witch 3:  _ Ah well, it be like that sometimes. And where’ve you been?

_ Witch 1:  _ I met the wife of a sailor who was eating chestnuts, and I wanted some. So I yelled at her to give me some, but she called me a witch. That made me sad. So I killed her husband by sending his ship off into oblivion.

_ Witch 2:  _ Ah, that happens. It’s okay, I’ll lend you some wind so you can kill him better.

_ Witch 1: _ [Holding her heart] Aw! You’re so nice!

_ Witch 3:  _ Oh, you can have one of my winds too.

_ Witch 1:  _ And I can handle the rest of those pesky winds, both the ports they blow and the quarters they know. [she is clearly very pleased by this rhythm] I’ll kill the captain as well, but before I do that, I’ll give him weeks and weeks of insomnia. He will live in agony before I let him die. In fact, I won’t let him sleep for eighty-one weeks!

_ Witch 2:  _ Um, is that possible? Like, can a person live that long without sleep?

_ Witch 1:  _ It’s a metaphor! Now, shush. Though I cannot get rid of his talk, it will be lost at sea. Look what I have.

_ Witch 2:  _ Technically, it was an exaggeration. Now, show me.

_ Witch 1:  _ Shut up, grammar nerd. It’s…(drumroll please) A pilot’s thumb! I took it from him on his way back from the sea.

[Drum within]

_ Witch 3:  _ Oooh, a drum! Wait a sec, that means Macbeth’s on his way!

_ All:  _ The weird sisters hand in hand, mascots of the sea and land. Now we go about, about. Thrice to thine, and thrice to mine. And now again, we’ve gone a-nine.Yeeah! We got it!

_ Witch 2:  _ [Whispering] Why are we rhyming? 

[Enter Macbeth and Banquo]

_ Macbeth:  _ Such a good and bad day at the same time! It’s wack. [talking about the weather, it seems, is a go to when one is full of gay panic.]

_ Banquo:  _ [Whining] How much longer? [Perking up slightly at the sight of the witches] What the fuck are you guys? [Obviously fascinated] Ya’ll are so ugly! So withered that you barely look like inhabitants of the earth anymore. And yet- stunningly- you still live on this planet. Are you alive? Or are you simply here to befuzzle me? You seem like you can understand me, and by the look of your lips, you must be women, but the influence you play in the war and the hair on your faces leads me to believe that you are not women. 

_ Macbeth:  _ [Pushing Banquo aside] Talk to me! Do it! 

_ Witch 1:  _ All hail Macbeth, thane of Glamis!

_ Witch 2:  _ [Slightly confused] All hail Macbeth, thane of Cawdor!

_ Witch 3:  _ All hail Macbeth, the future king!

[Macbeth startles so badly that he falls into a puddle of mud. Since the witches stated in Act 1, Scene 1 that they would see each other again in storms, it is plausible that Macbeth is splashing through a Scottish field of mud to reach them.]

_ Banquo:  _ My best friend, why are you so startled and afraid? These witches are promising you nothing but happiness! [Addressing the witches now] Tell me now, are you telling us the truth about my partners future? You greet my partner Macbeth with such good tidings, but are you telling him the truth? [A thought occurs to him] And, what about me? I want some good fortune! Where’s MY good fortune, ladies or gents or gentle-enbies? [He still cannot tell, as stated before, the gender of the witches. These lines are also said while whining. Banquo is a whiner.] Talk to me! Tell me what’s gonna happen to me, just like you did with Macbeth! I’m not afraid of you!

_ Witch 1:  _ Hail!

_ Witch 2:  _ Hail!

_ Witch 3:  _ Hail! 

_ Witch 1:  _ You will be lesser and greater than Macbeth at the same time. [Banquo is visibly confused at this declaration.]

_ Witch 2:  _ Yes, you will be more happy and less happy than him at the same time. [She is smirking, and you can practically see the question marks over Banquo’s head at this point.]

_ Witch 3:  _ You are unimportant, but rest assured that the babies you make will be important. So all hail Macbeth and Banquo! [This is said in a tone of dismissal.]

_ Witch 1:  _ Yes! Yes, Uh, hail Macbeth and Banquo!

[The witches look now as if they are about to leave.]

_ Macbeth:  _ Stay! My peeps, give me more info about my kingship and Banquo’s er, death and then children that become kings!

Fuck, I know I’m the Thane of Glamis, but how on fuckin earth do I become the Thane of Cawdor? The guy’s still alive and well, and totally not a traitor to his country. And you gotta be shitting me about being king. I have about as little chance of being king as I do of being Thane of Cawdor. Where are you getting your strange knowledge? Your alternative facts? And why did you decide to tell us? Talk to me! Now!

[Witches vanish, because threatening someone is not the best way to get the knowledge you are asking for.]

_ Banquo:  _ [Bewildered] This makes absolutely no sense. About as much sense as the earth suddenly boiling as the water does. Where did they go? What the fuck? 

_ Macbeth:  _ [Equally confused but trying his best not to show it] They vanished into the air, leaving not a trace behind. Fascinating. They stopped being corporeal, oh the things we could have learned if they had stayed!

_ Banquo:  _ So were they actually ever here? Or was it magic? Are we going insane? Oh shit oh fuck I can’t go off the rails now! Oh shit oh fuck oh shit oh f- [He is very distraught here.]

_ Macbeth: _ Well, when you croak your children will be kings. 

_ Banquo:  _ And I guess… you’ll be king. 

_ Macbeth:  _ And Thane of Cawdor, apparently.

_ Banquo:  _ ...Yup. [Brandishing a gun and knife, pulled from somewhere on his person] Who’s here?

[Enter Ross and Angus.]

_ Ross: _ Ay guess what Macbeth? The king has some banger news for you! 

He saw tidings of your success, and was super stoked about it. When he heard about the war, and how you fought in it as if oyu had a personal stake in it, he was super impressed. He’s lost for words, but he also wants to say a lot of words, and so those two things are competing in his mind. Sometimes he’s quiet, and sometimes he gets real chatty. It’s exhausting. He’s very impressed by your lack of fear, and the way you create corpses so well. Murder is fun! So many, soooo many soldiers came to speak with Duncan, and tell him what an awesome job you’re doing at war. 

_ Angus:  _ [Cutting in before Ross goes on another tangent about how awesome Macbeth is at war] Actually, we came here for a reason. [Glares at Ross.] The king, whom we were just discussing, send us to give you his thanks for fighting so well. Also he wants to tell you to come and speak with him, but he’s not gonna pay you.

_ Ross:  _ [Realizing he actually had to tell Macbeth something] AND, he sent me to give you an even greater honor! You are now Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor. I can’t imagine anybody more worthy to hold such a title as that. Nope. 

_ Banquo:  _ [vibrating from anxiety] What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?!! 

_ Macbeth:  _ [Confused] Okay, but there is an actual Thane of Cawdor, and I’m sure he’d be very upset with you giving me his clothes and title. So why are you now declaring me the Thane of Cawdor?

_ Angus:  _ Okay, yeah he’s kind of alive, but I wish he wasn’t. We don’t know whether he was always a spy, or decided to change sides on a whim, but the fact is that he’s a big traitor now, and everybody hates him. He tried to bring about the downfall of the nation and of the king, and I’m sure we can all agree that doing something like trying to overthrow the king is just awful.

[Macbeth is nodding along]

But he is now a confirmed traitor, and he has confessed, been tried, and convicted, and thus he does not hold the title of Thane anymore!

_ Macbeth:  _ [Aside] Wowza! I’m Thane of Glamis and of Cawdor. Who’d’a thunk’t? --Um, thanks for telling me, Ross. -- [to Banquo] So? Now are you hopeful that your children will be kings? I mean, I’m a fuckin thane of two areas now. 

_ Banquo:  _ Okay, yeah, you get to be king and Thane of Cawdor, but I can’t shake the feeling those witches were evil. I mean they probably want to manipulate us into doing something foolhardy. So they tell us the truth. I think it’s fishy, they want to bait us into betraying each other. Listen to me, this once, dear friend.

_ Macbeth:  _ [Glares at Banquo for even suggesting Macbeth would betray him] Nonsense! They told us two things that quickly came true! How glorious is that? I will soon become king! [Macbeth does that thing that Disney villains do where they throw up their hands and scheme.] 

[To Ross and Angus] Thanks. You’re great friends. [There is a beat of silence where he wait for them to leave] 

[Aside] The witches told me so many things. I mean, obviously they can’t be evil, since they tell me so many good things, and I’m not evil at all, but they can’t be good either, since they look creepy. Why the fuck did they tell me it would be all good and then it was? Honestly, I’d be less concerned with this whole thing if they’d been lying. In fact, I am now the Thane of Cawdor, but now I want to be king, so logically my brain is telling me that I need to kill the current king, my Duncan. This scares me. Fuck, this scares me. Fuck. Right now it’s just me imagining that I’’m going to kill that king, but how long until I’m no longer imagining? It has to be impossible to murder the king. It has to be, but what if it wasn’t? I’m scared of my own brain. I’m scared. Shit, I’m so, _so_ scared. 

_ Banquo:  _ [Nudging Angus] Look, he looks so dreamy. I mean, he looks like he’s in a dreamlike state. Obviously. 

_ Macbeth:  _ [Aside] I probably shouldn’t murder the king. That seems wrong. I mean if I should become king by chance, why not let chance take the reigns? 

_ Banquo:  _ He looks shaken. Like he’s still trying to break in a new set of armor, the titles don’t fit him yet.

_ Macbeth:  _ [Aside] Murder is wrong. But what if I really want to? I really should let fate make the choices. But I really wanna be king fast. [Patience is not Macbeth’s forte.]

_ Banquo:  _ Macbeth babe, we’re gonna stay here as long as you want to, but honestly it’s getting dark and it’s very muddy, and we should probably be going. 

_ Macbeth: _ [snapping back to himself] Right. I was distracted, let’s get going. My mans, I really care about you. No homo. [Aside] Except for you, Banquo.

I’ll remember ya’ll when I remember becoming Ki-Thane. Righty-O, let’s go! We can talk through all of this shit on the way back to the castle. 

_ Banquo:  _ Gladly. 

_ Macbeth:  _ Alright, that’s enough existential fear for one day. Come on, guys. [Exit]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I started work again. Yay. This means that I'm gonna try and get the chapters out every week, but I might be late every once in a while, because I don't have much time to write. Capitalism, yay.
> 
> My tumblr is @eatgreass and @king-of-a-walnut, feel free to say hi


	4. Act 1, Scene 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Macbeth returns to meet king Duncan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today, y'all. It was a short scene to do.

_ Forres. A room in the palace. Enter Duncan, Malcom, Donalbain, Lennox, and Attendants.  _

_ Duncan:  _ Do you think they’re done yet? Are they back yet? [Said with the cadence of a whining child]

_ Malcom:  _ No, they aren’t back yet. You did kind of send them on a wild goose chase around Scotland to find Macbeth. I don’t actually remember you giving them directions to find Macbeth. I did, however, speak to the people that watched that motherfucker Macdonwald die. As he died, he told us all about the fuckery he pulled, and confessed to treason. He asked for you to pardon him- can you believe that? He also said he was sorry. He said he was very sorry. After he asked for forgiveness, he died. Just sat there and died, leaving his life useless and thrown away, as it should have been from the beginning.

_ Duncan:  _ I guess he really did fool me, I can’t believe it. It’s so hard to tell if somebody wants to kill you just from looking at their face. Truly a relatable problem. I trusted that man completely.

Enter Macbeth, Banquo, Ross, and Angus.

_ Duncan: _ Oh, there y’all are! I was just talking about you! All good things, all good things. And Macbeth, you deserve so much praise and gratitude. A truly honest and loyal man you are! I could not thank you enough for your valiant fighting in the war! You’re the best man I know, and I know  _ you  _ will never do anything to betray me. Keep fighting good. Um. Well. 

_ Macbeth:  _ No need to thank me. It’s my job. Doing things for you, truly my greatest joy and pleasure. Also I’m definitely not gonna murder you. Nope. No way. No siree. I do everything for your love and honor. No murder at all.

_ Duncan:  _ Well you truly are a great man destined for great things. Oh- and Banquo! [Duncan has just noticed Banquo is in the room] You’re cool too, I guess. Just as much honor, greatness, all that, blah, blah, blah. [Talking to Banquo is clearly nothing but a formality.]

_ Banquo:  _ I’m going to hold you to that. 

_ Duncan _ : [Tears in his eyes] Oh, I’m so  _ happy!  _ I may be crying but rest assured this is just happiness… leaking… from my eyes. 

Macbeth, Banquo, Ross, Angus, and specifically, Malcom- I have news for you. You are now the prince of Cumberland. Be true, I trust you more than I probably should. Macbeth, I’m coming over to your house.

_ Macbeth:  _ Um. Good. I’ll tell my wife that you’ve invited yourself over. So. Please, can I leave this madhouse?

_ Duncan:  _ Of course, of course, go, tell Lady Macbeth. [Pats Macbeth hard enough on the back that he almost falls over]

_ Macbeth:  _ [Aside] Well, Malcolm is now the prince of Cumberland. That is… Certainly a step up from what he was before, but I won’t kill him because  _ murder is wrong.  _ Of course, he is blocking my ascent to king, so maybe just a little bit of death. 

Oh wait, fuck. Murder is wrong. [Chanting this a little, as if it’s a problem he’s previously had, and is a very normal predicament to be in.] Murder is wrong, okay. But I want to. Maybe if I kill him and then feel very guilty, it’s okay. I mean I don’t want to kill him, but I probably will. 

_ Duncan:  _ [Oblivious to Macbeth’s internal conflict that may lead to his own death. We, the audience, are inserted into a conversation Duncan is having with Banquo that is just now ending] You’re great, Banquo. Really great, and I believe everything you’ve said about him. Banquo, you’ve fed me a  _ banquet  _ of praises about him to me. [Duncan is inordinately pleased with his pun.] Lets go, my boy, and see how well Macbeth and his lovely wife are faring. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, I know y'all are here for macbeth, but recently I've been listening to a really good podcast called the hamlet podcast, and I wanted to share that with y'all, because if you're here reading Shakespeare fanfiction, this is a podcast you'll probably like.
> 
> my tumblr is @eatgreass if you wanna talk!


	5. Act 1, Scene 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet lady Macbeth.

A room in Macbeth’s castle.

Enter Lady Macbeth, reading a letter. 

_ Dear Wife, _

_ The fiends met me right after we won the battle. They aren’t human, I swear to you that there is no fucking way on heaven or earth or purgatory (Which definitely doesn’t exist) they have knowledge that humans, even smart ones wouldn’t have been able to know. I told them that they had to tell me more about my destiny, and that made them leave. I say leave, but I really mean that they vanished into the air leaving nothing behind but a muddy Scottish wasteland. I was very confused. Very very. While I stood there in the field that they so rudely left me in, my good friends Ross and Angus came up to me and told me that I was thane of Cawdor, which is weird because that’s exactly what the witches told me was gonna happen in my future. It’s odd enough that I don’t think it’s a coincidence. All of the weird ladies (And I think they were ladies) saluted me calling me the thane of Cawdor, which is still weird to think that I am that now. Anyway I had to tell you this, because one, it’s good to tell the person you live with about all the problems you’re having even if you’re gay for your best friend, and two, because this directly concerns you, since if I become king, (oh and the sisters said I would be king) that makes you queen. Think about this, we’re gonna have a long conversation after Duncan goes to sleep. Oh yeah, he invited himself over for dinner tonight. Toodle-O, M! _

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ He’s the thane of Glamis  _ and  _ Cawdor? I never would have thought that dunce had it in him. It would be great to be the queen of Scotland, and I’m sure I could do an amazing job ruling the country, but my husband is a big coward, and frankly, I don’t think he can handle it. I mean, he could be a great king, if he wasn’t so  _ nice, _ and he has the ambition, just he’s too scared to go through with anything. What he wants to have is a moot point if he also wants to take the high and holy ground. If he could just be a little more evil, like me, he could have the throne, but nooo, he has to insist on being a good person. If he wants the throne, he has got to work for it. He’s too afraid to do anything. Argh, hope he comes home soon so I can convince him that murder is, in fact, the correct decision. Stupid pussy goody two-shoes of a husband. He needs to do work if he wants to be king.

[Enter an Attendant]

_ Attendant:  _ The king’s coming over, lady.

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ What? No he’s not. If he was, Macbeth would have told me. And you. And since Macbeth is not here, who would have told you Duncan was coming?

_ Attendant:  _ No, It’s true. The king is coming, along with the Thane. One of our servants ran all the way up to their carriage to find that out, and now he’s collapsed in the living room after giving that message, since he can’t breathe anymore. 

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Alright, make sure that servant lives. I can’t have another dead servant, and he brought some good news. [exit attendant]

The very person that heralds Duncan’s coming is short of breath in my own house! I need to think about this, spirits, let me think. Oh shit, how am I supposed to convince Macbeth to kill Duncan when Duncan’s in the house with us? This isn’t going to stop me, I shall continue to make Macbeth do the murder. I have the steel to do this, but I don’t believe that Macbeth does, and so help me, I will make him kill his friends if it’s the end of me. I’m not going to let something as silly as a  _ conscious  _ get in the way of my evil plan. Nothing will stop me from murder. [Lady Macbeth does an evil cackle here. It is a very nice cackle.]

[Enter Macbeth. He is a bit stunned to see his wife cackling like this, but to his credit, he rolls with it.]

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Oh, my husband! I can’t believe you actually have accidental power now! Your letters have opened me to the possibility of my-I mean  _ our-  _ power. The future will be mi-ours!

_ Macbeth:  _ Yes, yes, great. Duncan is coming over.

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Great, I hate it. When does he leave. [Aside] We could make him leave earlier if he was dead.

_ Macbeth:  _ Don’t worry, he’s leaving tomorrow. 

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Well I don’t think he’s going to see tomorrow. Because  _ you  _ are going to kill him! Your face looks stupid and murderous. And that’s exactly what you are! You are weak and I hate you, and you’ve never had the spine to do anything remotely risky, but that’s going to change tonight, because tonight, you shall kill Duncan!

[Macbeth looks like he did not want to sign up for this.]

Underneath the look of your innocent hand is the serpent that will sting. His journey can not be avoided, but it can be cut short, specifically by murder. The,  _ then  _ I-you shall have power! [Evil villain cackle]

_ Macbeth:  _ Hey this sounds great but, um, can we talk about this later?

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ You must not look afraid, for Duncan cannot recognize his demise. I’ll set it up.

_ Macbeth:  _ No problem. [In a tone that suggests that it very much is a problem]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm starting school back up in about two weeks, and it's going to be completely online, so I don't know if that means I'll have more or less time to work on this. It does mean that I'll be starting AP lit though, ad I'm super excited for that.


	6. Act 1, Scene 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banquo and Duncan arrive at Macbeth's castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the shortest scene. It's only 340 words.

[Near Macbeth’s castle]

_ Hautboys, servants of Macbeth attending.  _

[Enter Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Banquo, Lennox, Macduff, Ross, Angus, and Attendants.]

_ Duncan:  _ [Sniffs loudly] The air here is nice! In fact, it may well be the best air I’ve ever… [He is quieter] Tasted. 

_ Banquo:  _ Well, obviously the birds approve of the air up here. There are SO MANY birds up here. I don’t even know how one castle can house this many birds. [He glares up at the sky, as if expecting new birds to come down at any second, which they do, and cover his shoes in shit.]

[Enter Lady Macbeth]

_ Duncan:  _ [Nudging Banquo] Look, look, our hostess has arrived to greet us! Hello! I know it’s probably annoying that I came to your castle on such short notice, but you should thank me for it, because I’m here out of love. So really, I’m the one doing a favor for you, even though I’m coming to your house and eating your food.

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ [This is all said with a perfect customer service smile] Well, everything that’s set up in our dear…  _ humble _ house is done for you. We would host you again and again, and it would still never be enough to match the honor you bring us by visiting. We are proud to have the king of Scotland staying in our very house!

_ Duncan:  _ Great, Great. Hey, where’s your husband? I wanted to arrive before him, but woo-ee that horse he has is fast. Also, I just need to let him know how great he is. You know that we’re all buddies here! Just pals!

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ [Smiling a slightly uncomfortable smile at this, obviously thinking of the murder Macbeth is yet to commit] Everything in this house is at your disposal. We wish only to make you comfortable. 

_ Duncan:  _ That’s great. Also unnecessary. Look, could you just tell me where Macbeth is? Here, I have a great idea! You, who have never meant me any harm, can show me to him! Lead the way, your highness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short insight into how I'm going about this: So as I read through this, there are some areas of the play that I feel like are really hard to make light of. You've seen one of them already, Macbeth being scared that he's becoming a murderer. One of the things I've noticed is that the characters are in such turmoil that despite the dramatic and situational irony, that its frankly just sad. So what I've tried to do for those is make light of the dramatic and situational irony even more. Where one character is despairing their loss of sanity, the other characters are going about their business on the rest of the stage. I also personally feel that if there's no change in tone, then it can't be as absurd, so if there are some scenes where it's a little bit darker than what you signed up for, I'm sorry, I want to accurately tell the story even as I paint it in the most comedic light possible. To be clear, however, this absolutely is not going to turn into a glorified no fear Shakespeare, I'm still putting the most comedic lense I can on the tragedy. This is also why I'll never do this kind of thing with Hamlet, because that play is one that's a lot more serious than many of Shakespeare's other tragedys.


	7. Scene 1, Act 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Macbeth and Lady Macbeth formulate their plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you may have noticed I said I'd update every week, and it has been three weeks. From now on there will not be a set posting schedule since school is kicking my ass and this is for fun, but it does mean that I read and examine a lot of Shakespeare in order to get the truest meaning, and I don't have all that mental energy now.

A lobby in the castle. There are servants and torches, and all of the servants are carrying new and different types of food. Enter Macbeth.

_ Macbeth:  _ Aww man, if the king was already dead this would be so much easier. The problem is that it needs to be done quickly. Swallow the bitter pill, as I say. Relief brings reward, surcease success, and killing, comfort. 

This is going to end it for me,  _ this  _ is going to be my completion. 

[Thoughtfully] I mean, I could kill the king now, just stab him repeatedly in the eye with my butter knife until he died. Unfortunately, most people believe that murder is wrong for some reason, so I’ll have to wait to find myself an alibi. If I kill someone now, than maybe people will think it’s okay to murder me, and then other people will think it’s okay to kill people, and the whole damn world will fall into madness! [He is very distressed here.] I’m not going to bring about my own demise, no I’ll leave that to my wife. She can bring about my demise. The king trusts me for two reasons. One, I shouldn’t murder him because he owns me, and two, because I shouldn’t murder him in my own house, only in other people’s houses. Also, Duncan is the worst fucking judge of character I’ve ever met in my life, so even if I straight up told him I was going to kill him tonight, he’d probably just laugh it off as a joke. [Banging his fist on the table and continuing to monologue his aside while startling every servant in the vicinity] Duncan’s just such a  _ good  _ person! He has no right to be a good person, because when he dies, everybody of honor in the kingdom is going to cry at his death. Trumpets will sound, people will wail in sorry, and pity will be like a naked… flying… baby… [He trails off and is very confused. His metaphor obviously got away from him there.]

[Enter Lady Macbeth]

_ Macbeth:  _ [Jumping up] Hi! What is it?

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Duncan’s almost finished dinner. Why are you here? Go get ready to commit a war crime!

_ Macbeth:  _ Did Duncan ask to see me?

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Of  _ course  _ he has, don’t you know that? [She is rolling her eyes.]

_ Macbeth: [ _ Hyperventilating] We can’t do this, we can’t do this. I’m pretty sure this is wrong. We’re gonna get caught, this is a  _ terrible  _ idea. 

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Pussy. Why are you afraid now, when you wanted to do this last night? You’re a real wimp.

_ Macbeth:  _ Normal people don’t murder other people! Peer pressure is wrong!

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ But breaking promises is wrong as well, and you promised to help me kill the king. Think about it, what’s worse? Peer pressure, or breaking a promise to your dear, dear wife? In fact, many people  _ can’t  _ keep promises, so how much better of a person you’ll be if you  _ do  _ keep your promise to me! It’s like if I had a baby, and I promised to do it well, and promised to feed it and suckle it, and teach it, and then one day I decided that actually, I didn’t want a baby at all, and  _ smashed  _ its brains against the wall! [She slams a vase against the wall at this point, and Macbeth visibly flinches.]

_ Macbeth:  _ Okay, but what if we fail? Then-

_ Lady Macbeth: We  _ won’t fail. The only person that can fail this is you, and that’s if you aren't brave! So actually, we might fail, because you are not known for your capacity for bravery. Here’s the plan. I’ll get Duncan’s guards too drunk to stand, and then you can lead him to bed and stab him. Plus, we can blame the guards. It’s a win- lose- lose- lose- lose.We’re the win. 

_ Macbeth: [ _ stands still in shock.] Wow. Are you sure you shouldn’t have been born a guy, with how violent and smart you are?

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Very misogynistic, but continue.

_ Macbeth:  _ This is genius. Of course the only people to blame will be the guards. 

_ Lady Macbeth:  _ Of course it’s genius, I created it. 

_ Macbeth: [ _ Long, almost comical sigh.]  _ Fine.  _ Fine, you’ve convinced me. I hope we’ve both brushed up on our acting skills. [Shooing lady Macbeth] Go, go now, be a good hostess so he doesn’t suspect anything. [Lady Macbeth glares but does as he asks.]

[Exeunt] 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been examining rhythm structures in Shakespeare, and the way he writes in prose. This is not something I can emulate, even badly. It put me out for a while, which is another reason this hasn't updated for a while, since I was trying to find a way to fit a rhythm structure into this. Eventually I just decided not to, since the best I could do would be a mockery. I would recommend reading about that though. Especially in hamlet (my favorite play of his lol) there is a lot of prose divided among characters and I'd recommend checking that play out specifically. Also, I know I've already advertised this podcast, but the basics episodes in the Hamlet podcast are amazingly clear and explain a lot. It's where I got a lot of my knowledge on Shakespeare recently, so here's the link: https://www.thehamletpodcast.com/the-basics
> 
> It's also on spotify if you search "The hamlet podcast"

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna try and update this every Sunday, with each chapter being a different scene. In case you're wondering, all of them are exactly as cursed as this one. My tumblr is @eatgreass or @king-of-a-walnut, the latter being where I put all my classic book ramblings.


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